To Run or Not To Run

Is That The Question?

Me and my friend Lorraine Smith, a true runner who I cycled alongside in a five day ultra-marathon covering more distance than a mayoral campaign

When I ran in the last Toronto election, I found it frustrating, exciting, tiring, energizing, encouraging and disheartening all at once. When election day came, placing me a fairly distant fifth, I felt both glad I had run, and glad it was over. Ever since the results of that election were thrown to the wind by the mayor and a media that eagerly amplifies scandals, I’ve been pondering whether I should run again or not. I decided to articiulate my doubts in the hopes of clarifying what the struggle to make a decision is about so that I can move forward with ease one way or the other.

The first time I ran, I was driven primarily by my conviction that our city could be transformed into a much better place by at least partially “de-automobilizing it” - I didn’t use that phrase, but that is a one word expression for the concept I envisioned. The second time I ran, I was motivated by the urge to stand up for freedom in a way that didn’t fall into media stereotypes, to remind people that human rights, bodily autonomy and free speech were still important and didn’t deserve to be redefined and restricted, whether or not we were in a pandemic.

This time? Both the transformation of our city, and individual freedom remain of paramount importance to me. But I question whether democracy, as our society currently practices it, is the way forward at all. To me, our democracy has turned into at best a tyranny of the majority, where some people can trample all over others if enough of them agree, and at worst, a smokescreen that hides how irrelevant election results are. Our electoral process does not seem to be making our city more beautiful (according to my standards, which are admittedly subjective) or fostering the economic and ecological diversity that I feel is necessary for a healthy society. It seems to me as if elections are not affecting the continued concentration of wealth and power on the one hand, while increasing government control over every facet of our lives on the other. And that voting offers an illusion of choices rather than real ones. So why would I waste my time and precious life energy participating in a broken and rigged system?

Yet the fact is that people do have the opportunity to choose their leaders. If everyone wanted a non status quo leader, it would in theory be possible for them to elect one. Perhaps the fact that things don’t change between elections is because most people really are happy with the status quo. And if that’s the case, the democratic system IS working. And if the system is working, why not put my name in the race and see what happens?

A big part of my middle-aged life, especially the past few years, has been to turn to spiritual practices for guidance on living in this world. Acceptance of the way things seem to be how I find peace and joy rather than raging and despairing about what is. What I want out of life is to be able to throw my arms wide open and accept reality, while being curious enough to move past the assumptions I make - about myself, others, or the world around me - that get in the way of gratitude for my existence.

But I have this constant question about how to deal with what I don’t like, and a continued impulse to “change the world”. But does changing things mean changing other people? Do I have to change other people’s minds, habits, choices, so that the world gets shaped how I want it to be? Increasingly I feel the answer to that is no, and in any case I am unconvinced of my ability to change anyone else. I’m also uncertain as to whether changing anyone else’s opinion is even desireable. I have made so many mistakes and changed so much myself, and I no longer want the world that my twenty year old self or five year old self wanted. So who’s to say the world would be better off changing according to what my 51 year old self wants today?

Today, what I want is to see more trees, more wildlife, more greenery and colours in the natural world, instead of so much concrete and asphalt. I want to smell flowers, the rain and fresh baked bread instead of gasoline, chlorine, car exhaust and tar. I want to hear music and the voices of people instead of traffic noise and advertisements. I want to city policies to encourage a plethora of different and unique independent business, rather than subsidizing global enterprises that homogenize our city. I want to be able to travel all over Toronto on foot and by bicycle in corridors designed for such uses, rather than shoehorned into roads alongside speeding trucks or dodging streetcar tracks. I want the city to adopt a bare bones approach to government so that there are very few barriers to anyone who wants to create housing or commercial space, rather than a government bureaucracy that tries to micromanage every last aspect of city life.

Does that mean my job is to go out and try to make those things happen, and if so, how? I know I don’t like to attend facilitated and heavily constrained public consultations, make deputations as councillors scroll through their phones, or write letters to staff and politicians who seem to ignore what I say - I’ve tried those things and they don’t bring me joy. I enjoy talking about what I like though, and that I can do in an independent political campaign. Is that enough of a reason to run? Or do I also need to decide if it’s good for Toronto? I don’t know if it would be good for the city or democracy for me to run. And, am I able to withstand either the negative criticism or, maybe worse, a complete lack of attention to my presence in a crowded field with many other interesting and worthy candidates? Withstand yes, but enjoy? That I’m not sure about.

If I don’t know whether I’ll enjoy the campaign, I don’t know if it will make a difference, and I don’t know whether it’s the right thing to do, so for now I simply remain undecided. I have booked an appointment to get myself added to the candidates list on April 4th if I decide it’s what I want, which means I’ll need to get a mere 25 people to sign my nomination forms. I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do. My philosophy these days is to live in the moment as much as possible, and to be guided by what’s in front of me rather than the unhelpful ruminations in my mind. So I’ll take it moment by moment, day by day. I don’t know if the question of whether to run or not is even the one I need to be considering - maybe it just doesn’t matter either way, and I’m overthinking the whole thing, as I do so much.

What I do know is, if I run, I’ll be writing about it here.

Your comments, on this or any other subject, are welcome!