The Pathology of Perfection

Why not just do it wrong?

Is nature growing the “right” way in this abandoned plot of land? I don’t know but I still love the view!

It’s taken me a week to even start writing this first post mayoral campaign essay (the one about not winning doesn’t count since it was still tied to the campaign). I asked myself what should I write about? What if I people aren’t interested in hearing from me? Shouldn’t my essay be related to politics, or revolution? Or at least be about Toronto? What the hell am I doing anyways?

As I noticed myself these past few days torturously stressing over something that, in the grand scheme of things, is really not important at all, I’ve realized it’s part of a larger pattern of thought. Which, though I could (and do) talk for hours about my inner mental landscape, all boils down to “I have to do the right thing”.

While running for my mayor these past four months, thoughts would arise like, should I be running? Should I say X on Twitter? Should I interview person Y on the podcast? Should I take approach Z to my campaign? Whenever I worried too much about finding the ”right” answers to these questions, I invariably got completely bogged down. What always helped was to remind myself that there was no “right” way to run a campaign. That was made a little easier because I was already doing it “wrong”, from the beginning - I didn’t have a campaign manager, or a budget, or the style that would attract the media, or a “safe” platform (looking at you vaccine mandates), or a big name or following, etc etc etc - so I had nowhere to go but up! That made it easier to free myself from the need to do it right and instead take a much more playful and curious approach to the campaign - an approach made possible by many of you as well as a solid mental health support network.

Now that the election is over, with my child-rearing skills becoming less obviously necessary (my youngest of three is happy with his independent teenage-hood), and no official “job” to return to, I’m back in the land of questioning what’s right to do. I still want a more beautiful and vibrant Toronto (and beyond), where everybody can participate and feel heard, but I don’t know if I can, how I can, or even whether I should, create the big changes I still want. Without being able to vote at council my way and have a plethora of city staff to work with, what influence do I have on my surroundings? Plus how do I make a financial living while still promoting the freedom and beauty that I believe to be so important?

These questions are made far more difficult by my underlying belief that there is a right thing to do. A right path to take. Right choices to be made. The problem with this belief is it sometimes crushes me with immense pressure. Rather than inspiring me with possibility, it paints a future filled with doom. It creates categories of actions that are wrong and therefore forbidden - even seemingly benign actions like taking a nap, or watching tv instead of reading a book. It also creates a heavy moral weight on my shoulders - if I buy a bottle of water I’m causing climate change and contamination of our water. If I eat the wrong food I’m endangering my health or that of innocent creatures. If I speak angrily to my kids I’m scarring them for life. If I don’t get or create a job to save the planet or other people I’m going to destroy both.

So I’m going to experiment with liberating myself from this belief, and I’m inviting you to liberate yourself from it as well. There is plenty of evidence to say there is no “right” thing to do, choose or be - our morals are entirely based on our cultural conditioning. And even if there was a set of solid, unchangeable facts on what is right (and there isn’t), there is evidence to show that one tiny person in a world of not just seven billion people, but a universe of other beings and forces, is not responsible for the fate of the world and therefore we don’t need to bear the weight of it on our shoulders. It sounds heretical to my ears to say this but I’m going to anyways - my choices just don’t matter! I say that because my experience is that the pressure I put on myself to do (or even to know) what’s right is actually not guiding me to “do good”. It more often makes me want to crawl into a ball, or to head straight towards those actions which my inner critic screams at me are wrong.

Sometimes I operate without so much mental thought - I get the essay started and the words flow. I pick up the first dish and soon the kitchen is clean. I start the first conversation and now I’m having fun at the party. But in those times I get stuck under the weight of what to do next as I agonize over what’s right, I want to be able to take a breath and be free to do it wrong. I want to try to completely immerse myself in the hyper present moment and nothing else. There is no right and wrong in that present moment, there is only the ability to inhale or to exhale. The decision to step forward or back. The desire to stand, sit or lie down. These simple choices even get made for us - we don’t have to make them - our bodies will make them for us even if we try to resist - something is going to happen as we live there in the present moment. And soon enough we’ll be back in the flow of life.

Deciding not to listen to the voices that tell me not to do it wrong doesn’t mean I’ll abandon my values. It means that rather than trying to obey my critical inner voice that lives in my head and harshly and strictly yells at me in my moments of turmoil, I am going to trust the inner compass that’s in my heart. That inner compass is a much gentler and kinder guide, found only if I listen for it in the present moment, that always helps me as I move through life.

So was this essay the right one to write? I certainly don’t know, but luckily I don’t have to! It got written, so now I just take a breath and find out where I go next.