My opinion on the latest thing
Or what it's like to embrace radical uncertainty
I used to have a lot of opinions. I knew I was right, about all of them. I had a tiny bit of space open to hearing other viewpoints, and changing my mind could and did happen from time to time, but in general, once I had an opinion, it was pretty fixed and it went something like this.
The (insert latest thing) is terrible. I think (insert the side I oppose) is being unfair, unreasonable, or evil and the (position I oppose) is unjustified and/or stupid. The (side I support) is being ignored, unfairly vilified, lied about and the (position I support) is smart, just and obviously the best one.
What I finally realized, after a lifetime of taking sides, is that taking a side creates war. But only always.
It’s so tempting to move to a side though. Taking a side gives me a hit of self righteousness. It makes me feel like I’m taking action, not just standing by the sidelines. It makes me feel like I’m standing in the way of injustice and I’m part of the force for good.
But what does taking a side really do?
Well, sometimes there is action involved in taking a side. I’ve used my fervour in favour of one side to write letters, give talks to city council, go to protests, participate in boycotts and engage in civil disobedience (or rather civil disobecience lite - I’m either a chicken or a pragmatist depending on your viewpoint). Yet it seems to me that when actions are driven by the self-righteous certainty that taking a side tends to entail. they do not accomplish their goal, at least not in the long term. In my own past when I saw the other side as wrong, my activism involved anger, accusations, a lack of listening, and tunnel vision - it was my way or the highway. My energy was focussed on the problem and who was to blame for it, which drove people away and closed their ears to what I had to offer. It also created winners and losers and even when I won, I lost access to the practical knowledge, creativity and vision that those on the other side could have offered towards solution building.
Usually though, taking a side involves zero action. Most of our opinions are simply exchanged in conversation, whether that’s irl or on social media. We take sides even as we sit far away, in distance, circumstance or time, from the actual issue we are talking about. Our opinions don’t do anything particularly useful. They don’t build anything. They don’t solve problems. They don’t reduce hunger, right past wrongs, clean up pollution, or create peace accords.
What those heated opinions at the dinner table or on Facebook can do is fuel war. Arguments create war between friends and family - I remember leaving the table crying at Thanksgiving over a political argument long before any of the current things. And taking a side in those arguments can also create internal war in our own bodies as our stomach churns and we lose sleep over what we believe the other side is doing wrong. It may be woo-woo of me, but I truly feel our micro wars of opinion add to the conflict in the world. If we speak with curiosity instead of certainty, we can find potential allies everywhere and be open to solutions coming from unexpected places.
As I’ve learned to question my opinions I have found a lot of freedom. I’ve gradually lost the urge to take a side instantly when I hear about the new latest thing (which might be newly covered or discussed but usually isn’t new). I feel so much more alive and present when I don’t take a side. I’m interested in learning, my mind is open, I see where there are possibilities for me to take positive action and where there aren’t. And, I feel compassion for all who are suffering, not just people on one side.
I still have a few areas that I can strongly feel the pull of side-ism. I’m not fully over the division I experienced of the past few years, and it’s easy to dig in from that place of personal hurt. To shut out other perspectives, impute selfish motivations on others and harden my heart against all those on the other side. When I do, it’s painful and that pain eventually wakes me up to what I’m doing so I can course correct.
Instead of holding onto rigid views, I want to embrace radical uncertainty. To realize I never know 100% what is true. So now I try (I don’t always succeed) to observe what’s happening to me when an issue comes up. When I start to feel that impulse to blame, when I start to feel the compulsion to make others see I’m right, I know I’ve left compassion and curiosity in the dust and am headed for the land of judgement. If I notice that, I take a breath and either literally or figuratively step back to give myself, and the situation, some room. That lets me see where I am and what’s actually happening in reality so that I can live there instead of the mental world of conflict.
Funnily enough, when I don’t take a side I can find myself having judgement against anyone who does. It’s amazing how easily the separation loving ego can find a way to trick me into believing I’m right even though it’s just found another way to take sides.
Peace isn’t necessarily something we achieve - it’s more like a seedling we have within that we can continually nurture. We neglect it when we go into our mental world of us and them, but it’s here waiting for us to tend to whenever we’re ready to return. And when we do, it can flourish and grow.
> we’re all on the same side
I'm not sure what it means to say that a rapist and rapee are on the same side, for example. I suppose it might be true on a species-gene level, sortof. (Or, as another example, Palestinians being murdered and ethnically cleansed by river-to-the-sea-Zionists. Or, as another example, people wanting to be left alone and those who don't want to leave them alone.)
> radical uncertainty ... I never know 100% what is true.
I'm not sure what that means. Like, say my kid is raped or enslaved (in front of me :p), should I doubt that it happened? Should I not take his side - for the sake of not taking sides - because from some other perspective we're all on the same side?
> taking a side creates war
Well, someone initiates it, and the other person chooses how to respond - ranging from pacifism to some degree of retaliation. I wouldn't say that taking a pacifist tactic means there is no war going on (as the expression "it takes two to tango" suggests). If nowhere else, there is a war going on in your head, you aren't okay with those injustices done unto you.
I don't think the problem is people have incorrect/false opinions. I think they know that they're false/dishonest, and that explains their reactions when you try to correct them - their aggression and evasion. For example, a driver going in the wrong direction would appreciate course corrections. On the other hand someone who secretly (or openly) actually wants to be going in that direction would not. Someone who really wants to go south, for example, say for some very nefarious purpose, would get very aggressive when others try to pressure him to reverse course, he'd come up with all sorts of incoherent reasons not to - this is precisely the behavior we witness among "statists" and other immoral people.
Love these provocations, Sarah! Even up to the end our egos are still trying to trap us, heh?
@Dennis raises some good points.
I think you're both right ;-)